on being messyhearted

It’s been so hard to accept the messyhearted side of myself.

I used to be much messier, constantly in love. I constantly craved affection and attention. But it was never really love I was after; it was something much simpler: my own love, approval, acceptance. I was caught up in love stories but terrified to write my own.

Ultimately, the heart must dare to love itself. This story of heartbreak and healing is so universal— and it’s a process that seems to stretch on forever, testing our patience and ability to preserve the magic and the sweetness of love even when our wounds are so deep and our guards are up. At some point, we all get cracked open by love, whether we want to or not.

I first called this piece "Lovesick" because that’s what it felt like—a constant craving for something I couldn’t quite reach. But as I started to see myself more clearly, the name slowly evolved into "Messyhearted."

When I decided to love myself, a new love story began, and it wasn’t like the others. It was a gentle one. It wasn’t dark, moody, the kind that rips you apart and leaves you scrambling for something to fill the void. That vulnerable part of me, once exposed, is now guarded by a peace so much sweeter than I could have ever imagined.

Painting "Messyhearted" was a release. I was trying to be someone else to get where I thought I needed to go, and it backfired. I spent countless nights painting, over and over, in a haze of frustration and raw emotion. For a long time, that was the only way I could be real. But now, I can create from a place of clarity, without needing anything else to numb or distract.

I found these questions I wrote in my journal early on in the creation of this piece:

What if I let myself be, just as I am?
What if I stopped looking for someone else to have my back?
What if I realized I have had my back all along?

This is where my story begins—with a messy heart and a canvas ready to be filled.

xx, Katie